break ups replayed.

So weekend after weekends of failed break-up attempts. I wonder how I could make an effective step to completion.

Confessing I cheated ?

6 times ?

Would that work ?

maybe its the tickets that's keeping us together.

Qutting marathon ?

This trying to quit smoking thing seems not as difficult but not as easy as I might have thought of either ends of if.

Till date, this is the first 52hours I've gone without a puff since my last quitting stint (3weeks w/o) in July. Yes, I barely started. However, I think the real addiction's kicking in.

Stomach cramps, yes.

Chest tightening, yes.

Breathing difficulties, yes.

Depress, maybe a lil bit.

I've got a feeling I might jump back in on the bandwagon once I meet up with the mates this weekend.

Sigh.

C

'Cheating only counts when you are married.' - East coast, USA.

Does it ?

I suspect he did already.

A few weeks ago he suddenly went MIA.

Only to return my call at 1am in the morning, saying he fell asleep straight after work.

What a bastard.

Mich from uni said its supicious.

mmm.... I only feel a tinge of guilt when I cheat on him w/o cash.

  When, I'm on the job I just treat it like a ... bonus...

After all with all that fine dining and wining in London town, someone has to foot the bill...

its in you.

*I woke up today to the strangest dream. My liver was hurting again.I wonder if it was really hurting or was I just dreaming. Also, in the dream WG & I have arrived in Singapore and were travelling about.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about my devious Monday night.

So vengeance bit me hard from being ban from partying over the weekends.

I made a decision that if I don't have a good time partying this week I'll never be able to.

Also, finding out that he lied about the people he slept with previously added to my annoyance.

*yes, I know despite my cheating behavior, I'm still human and am allowed to be puritanical. 


 Plus, what you don't know won't hurt you.  No ?

Reached home at 9pm from the library,chucked 'Frida'on to the player watch it whilst I rolled and puffed a few joints + changed into my party outfit.

Sat around for that good 119mins the flim was playing,preparing for my sweet revenge break.

I called up a couple of my gay mates who always knew a good party going on any time of the week.

It was close to 1am when decided to drag my lazy butt out.

Dress in a tight scrunchy fushia pink dress Joel bought me last winter... I hit the bars like a 18year old.

I bumped into a swede I had a fling with once and bought him back - fucked him on the roof-top and told him

'thanks for the 'ride' you can leave now. sorry, I just don't like inviting people into my house.'

so, i guess once you ever ever started cheating.

'Its in you.'

Like, lost virginity.

Reduction & the lost halloween.

So, I did reduce the amount of ciggie intake over the last week. Yay ?

I'm still sulking over not being able to party this 'halloween' weekend.

I've always always done halloween. Except for this year.

Because of that fucked up poof - WG.

All he wanted to do was stay home and watch TV.

I told him he could do that while I head out doing my own thing. After all we bought the costume already.

I'm annoyed with him.

He threw such a huge hissy fit at me because I wanted to go out.

I feel like a caged bird.

Smokers-Quitters.

'Rehab's for quitters, quitters are for rehabs.' , I chuckled.

I took up smoking about 5 months ago?

As a non-peer pressure - experimental thing for myself.

I never realize there was such complex dynamics to smoking.

It becoming a habit, a daily diet, the social circle and whats not.

I would like to stop someday.

Has anyone here quit smoking ?

'Do you wake up one day and say... yes, I'm going to stop now. No more for me? '

 What did you do ?

repetition

Sex, has become an almost meaningless repetition of body movement.

Do you actually enjoy it ? 

I meant, yes, Its enjoyable but once it gets beyond the 'orgasm-ed(s)'.

Okay, maybe the once in awhile intimate cuddling - with the one you desire/love (w/o the BO)

What does it really mean anymore?

I remember the first couple of 'new' jobs were the hardest. Having to 'do' those ugly toads you never had to, if it weren't for a 'cause' or for that stack of greenbacks - blue notes - whatever. 

*I'm sorry guys. The money was never easy.

 After having dinner with the ex-fling, his date & WG. 

 The ex-fling/chris and I spoke over MSN. 

 He told me he can see why I'm with WG, though we don't look very much like a couple. 

 WG's too reserved, quiet, not as out-going & terd-ish - not quite the guy he thought I would end up with.


I'll try to post the convo if I'm able to find it.

 

Tricks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TamOrADrhwc&feature=player_embedded# .

I like this song.

WG's heading over to asia pretty soon.

It would be his first trip down. I hope he behaves.

He would be having a couple of 'DJ-ing' gigs.

I wonder if I trust him enough. Though, deep down I know that the person I crave for is Andy.

Everything's pretty plain sailing with WG.

We met up with one of the ex-flings today for lunch - double date. Sushi Train ?

 It was a little awkward.  Bah, but who cares.

 We haven't had sex for 2 fking weeks now. Gosh, I wonder. What the fuck is wrong with this guy.

I'm use to getting fucked everyday - this drought is horrible. Thank god, for the tricks I needed to turn the last two weeks if not...


I don't see how this relationship is going to work out. But, he isn't listening when I tell him its actually over.


Or,maybe I'm just a sucker for 'persistence' as usual.

sleep.

I'm just so terrible at uploading photos.

Its 3:13am now. Falling asleep at my own apartment's becoming quite a task. Maybe its too much of falling asleep - fitfully on those Egyptian Sheets from random hotels or the 4days a week at WG home + 2days a week at a schoolmate's place.

What's the point of having my own place anymore ? When i'm only home 1-2times a week.

I'm planning to rent a 2bedroom next year, if finance allows. I'll operate from my own place.

When its all done and over with

, its just a box of leftovers - left.

O well... Last week I received a parcel - box actually, from Joel.
So, I guess, when the relationship is all done over with. Its just 81.95USD, 5kgs worth of leftover belongings & silence.

The things he sent were mostly Junk. What I really wanted back was my iTouch given my ex-girlfriend, a couple of  drawings I did & my favorite Ed Hardy cap.

Not the socks or knickers I left there. What a retard, spending 81.95 to send all that junk. But, I guess he needed closure as much  as I did.


Do I really need all this crap ?

However, I'm glad he sent it anyway.

 Ps : Was having some technical problems with the Lappy this week.

 No more jobs for the year, I've earned enough to live comfortably for the next 2months ?

Quick & easy.

Last night's job was simpler, faster & easier than I thought.

With no stay overs required.

Just a simple 3hr chat & a quick fuck.

I realize the older men are actually quite lonely from being so up there & traveling so much.

Sometimes, I wonder when I walk out of that room.

If, they ever let loneliness get a grip them and cry themselves to sleep.