Merry Merry go round.

The things we do ... The things we do...

To give us kicks, to prep us up. I wonder.

Its been over 2weeks since Andy has taken himself out the the equation of our lil network.

I ring him up daily. I miss him. But, what good wld it do ?

I told thiago... Maybe for once I want to live mindlessly, live in the moment... Just be happy with Andy - without thinking of the 'what-ifs' , 'what will be'...

Cause, I might be saving myself up for someone I never meet if I died tomorrow. I wonder, I wish... How being impractical can be put into the equation.

I miss you, I don't.

I loathe you, but I love you.

We wonder , we wonder.

What good will this do any of us ?

LSD

I want LSD.

I liked you because you had LSD.

And, if there isn't there any more LSD.

I don't think this would work anymore.

I'm sorry.

What I require is LSD.

What's the point of being with you if you aren't able to provide any LSD.

The relationship would never work without LSD.

LSD is the reason why this worked out and why I chose you over Joel.

Even, Thiago agrees.

I just can't imagine putting myself through another relationship that isn't built on LSD.

It was too traumatizing.

I need, I strive, I strictly require LSD.
































LSD...


Loyalty, Sincerity & Dedication.

Is this it?

4am, tears bleeding out of our eyes... one too many last hugs and kisses.

The taxi left. We parted.

Why is it so easy to say 'Hello', when it takes forever to bid 'Farewell'.

Thiago and Erica had to tear the weepy 'us' apart. Escort the sobbing me home.

I'm so exhausted. I miss him alot.

And, now I'm afraid of returning back to the empty-ness of what use to be.

Thiago said that,

Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.

Some quote he read somewhere?

I spoke to Zest today. He told me he is glad that I'm making emotional progress and I'm becoming a (softer?) better person?


Andy's probably still jetting off.

A few more days.

I know I'll miss Andy BAD when he's gone. We've been very happy together and sorts. Remember when I said, Joel always made me feel second best and inadequate.

Andy, on the other hand, makes me feel good about myself .

Feels as if he loves/cares (about) me more than Joel does.

Despite being here for a shorter period of time and being much younger than Joel. He's always been there for me everyday and when I am upset.

Despite, sleeping and seeing me while I was with Joel. He never went out with another girl. He's always really honest with me. ( Or, I assume)

He's never secretive when using the computer. Always informing when he's going out and coming home.

Joel, on the other hand, had to take a 'break' and fuck around before finally being ready to settle with me. It just makes me all the more disgusted.

He's out picking up some weed now.

We had a wonderful day out yesterday.

Bought each other presents and exchanged them.

I know, Scotland isn't too far away from London. However, he is moving to South America to live with his Mom as soon as he gets back.

It's annoying, isn't it ?

We'll be heading to Camden Town tomorrow and hopefully Hatfield finally this time.

I'll miss you, Andy.

Scotland.

I might be heading there this July to spend some time with Andy. However, I wonder even if I went what good would it do any of us ? (Although, extra sex would be great. :) He's that good)

Andy picked me up from work over the weekends. We had the little chat.

'Long distance relationship wouldn't work.'

'Maybe, it wouldn't . Look at what happen to Joel and I. ', I giggled.

Mom's been calling me trying to 'console' me.

It makes me chuckle everytime she says, ' It's okay, I despise him. He isn't good for you anyway. Don't get too upset and kill yourself.'

Kill myself ? That's the furthest thing from anything I would do.

Joel's not even worth a tear. Ha ha...

I'm actually pretty happy we broked up. Just means that I'm able to freely meet people who are more suited for myself.

& Just goes to show how blind he is ... And, everything that I predicted and thought was true. Me, being a checklist, whatsoever.

Mom said that Joel's just a little selfish boy hiding behind his Mom's apron. And, that if he's probably helping his Mom line her menstruation pad.

The last few time we chatted he was always with his Mom... Driving her around all day... Watching 'Confession of a Shopaholic' with her ?

I guess, his Mom must be really happy we've broken up.



Anyway, Scotland ? Maybe ?

"I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married."


- Brian Kinney, Queer as Folk

Sick leave.

After ending the traumatically painful conversation.

I realise I'm finally free from all this.


Its almost 1year to date now. -from the great revelation of his great betrayal.

I guess some people are never worth it. Some combinations would never work.

I informed Mom about the breakup, she's been very very supportive of me. I"m glad I've got her support.

Andy's been there for me everyday.

It's been surprising easy and blissful the past few days. I'm really surprise I'm not as upset or depressed as I should be.

I guess its Thiago & Andy been there for me constantly.

O, I felt really sick the past few days. Had a fever of 41degrees, cough, naseau, flu and sorts. Andy had to carry me out of the house to the taxi with Thiago to rush me to the hospital. When, my fever didn't go away.

After his futile attempts of putting frozen peas one my head and frozen beef at the back of my head. Wiping me with cold water every 30mins. Haha...

Today, I was near the sink and I realise he cut up a his own shirt to use as cloth to wipe me with, A shirt that I told him I didn't like and that it was horrendously ugly. I was pretty touched.


Thiago says that Andy is really into me.

Yes, he is much more of a genuine person compared to Joel.

I'll miss him , bad......

Putting the puzzle pieces together.

The past few days been a series of chain of action and reaction.

That made me thought maybe every event, everyone we meet, everything and anything that happens is just a piece of puzzle that's handed to us as another 'piece' closer to the 'grand plan' , the 'bigger picture' ?

And, if so what happens when we die ? or when we are dying ?

What do we say to ourselves? O, I'm done putting the pieces together ? or O, I guess this is it ?

Yesterday, however, made me thought it through.

Maybe, Maybe... All this random pieces of puzzles given to us are leading or predicting the fashion of our demise ?

Maybe ?

















---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



You see, if Joel didn't break up with me at 5am ? In the morning. I wouldn't have ended up staying up crying and not going to bed. I probably wouldn't call my professor up and cancelled our high tea. And, because I was staying up all 'night' crying and not meeting my professor(Let's give him a name, how about Zest ?). Andy and I, ended up not going to Hatfield either. Instead, I rescheduled High tea with Zest, Andy dragged me out of bed, brought me to buy a goldfish and we spend the rest of the day at the skatepark. I was reading, while he was skating. The weather's getting better and better. We met some kids down at the park and hung out with them for abit . Our personal dealer's been running out ,of late. So, we bought some of the kids at the skate park. We invited them over to our place to use our bongs but they live rather far out in the suburbs. So, they didn't come.

On Saturday, I met Zest for High Tea @ The Muffin Man Tea Shop @ Kensington . Really nice and chilled out. Andy and I were having one last fuck before I left for the train - which made me miss the train I was suppose to get on. And, if I didn't miss that train and if I didn't get on the last cabin of the next train I wouldn't have bumped into the kids we met the day before.

I know this probabl doesn't make much sense to you people. But, it does to me so thats all that matters.


If, Joel didn't break it off with me on Friday morning. I would have gone for tea and to Hatfield with Andy. My week would have ended peacefully. No frills No thrills.

However, I would never (or maybe I would) cross path with the kids we met at the park. Cause, I wouldn't be be meeting Zest on a Saturday Morning, I would be in Hatfield on Saturday. I would have met Zest on Friday Morning for Tea, head off to Hatfield and maybe spend the night at Hatfield.

Those kids (I know the don't matter, but!), would forever be complete strangers ? or people we just walk pass all the time ?

Mind you the Skate park we went not to popular but there was a few nice ramps. And, on usual days I would have never gone with Andy. Andy alone... He's usually quiet, he doesn't speak to new people.


Okay. Enough of this whole big circle of action, reaction.


They said always said, hindsight's 20/20.

I should have known better. :)

Dead end.

'Kate, I don't know if I can marry you and start a family with all this history in my mind.'

With, this 'I' concluded our relationship.

I remembered the first conversation (confirmation talk?) we had before we started out - despite all the betrayals.

" Joel, If you don't want to get married at the end of this relationship. I rather we stop talking.We'll be wasting each other's time (mainly mine?) . I don't want to have you say 'sorry, kate... I realise I don't want this anymore . ' Time is precious, especially to me. I don't want to waste 2years of my life ,only to have you say that to me."

I guess with all that any retard can deduce that by him saying he can't marry me anymore equates to the relationship not going on anymore.

He goes on...

'I haven't had a good night's sleep in the last few days... and I never ever had problems sleeping,like ever.'

'I've been thinking about you and us alot, and it just doesn't feel right.'

'Even,you noticed it in my voice yesterday... I don't have the enthusiasm anymore.'

As the conversation went (or rather as he rant on) on...My heart started sinking ...my finger started turning cold.

My body started trembling.

'and,when I think about not coming,I feel relieved... '

' there are just so many extremes to our relationship ,things that I really love and things that I really hate, and some of our history will always, always be there, as long as we are together.'

There was so much more he said...

It trips me out just typing the conversation we had.

That was 6am in the morning.

Ironically, I felt a sense of clarity despite a sense of spiteful bitterness (maybe not, bitterness but sadness).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3V4jSB0xY20&feature=PlayList&p=0296A34F5F8BD93F&index=0

London plenty.

I spent last night chlling out with Erica. Having a the usual girl talk when we met up. I'm glad we did.

I've been smoking alittle way too much. 2 decks today. 45 sticks of cigarettes. Annoying, ay ?

The weather's getting fairer. My mood on the other isn't getting any brighter.

I finally made time to meet Erica up for a one-on-one coffee, earlier today.

She's currently fast asleep in Andy's room now. He'll be sleeping with me (as usual) when he gets home.

On my way to Erica's, I met a Hungarian - Swendish dealer. In the tube.

Í was on the phone calling up some dealers, try to get some ' Disco-biscuits' ( MDMA) for my ex-professor.

' Louie, I need 3 Lollies for this weekend. Do you think you can do it for me ?''

I notice this weird-looking guy smiling at me as soon as I said that.

When I got off the train at King's cross to get to ''Da vinci'' .

The guy came from behind and said, ''You've got a really beautiful mixed accent. I really like it.""

I thought to myself, 'What a crreeeep !!!'

He went on, ' So how many Lollies do you need ?'

I stared at him with a puzzled look.

' Lollies, you wanted some didn't you ?''

Slowing down my pace, Í said, ' 3, do you have any now ? & what are they ?'

' Yeah, I've got a couple. I can sell you 2. It's ÝELLOW EXCLAIMATIONs. They are from Manchester, good shit.'

Ókay, How much ?

I muttered, as we walked towards the exit.

His stuff was pretty cheap, so I decided to get it off him.

We went to a nearby alley and swapped.

He was pretty annoying. However, our Household is low on grass so when he offered to shout us free grass if I let him use the bongs we had at our place.

Í'm going to pick up some weed now. I can come over to your place and smoke up later at 9pm tonight. Ask your friend to go out... I'll shout her free pills."

He was trying to get me to go out with him. Mainly, sleep with him . I wasn't interested.

I still have Andy and Joel to worry about.

Plus, I wanted to spend some quality time with Erica. It seems like forever since we last spoke.

Something he said did creep me out too.

'Have you had sex whilst on MDMA ?'

'NO...duh...' (I hardly even take pills)

'You should try it is great.'

We sat by the train station while I had a ciggie and chatted for abit.

He boasted about how he could get MDMA, Speed and Acid in big quantities and at really low prices .

Douchebag.

Whore.

I can't sleep. Its 4:06am in central london now. Its pretty chilly at the moment, though weather here has improved tremendously.

Joel wasn't extactly the warmest when he greeted me on the phone tonight. I can't blame him though.

I've been buddled up in the duvet with Andy the past couple of weeks. God! I love his body.

He booked his tickets back home to Ireland while I was out shopping at oxford street today. We'll be heading down to Hertforshire this week.

http://www.hertfordshire.com/

I'll miss him.

Life is so mixed now.

Relationships, Infidelity, Pill-popping, Studying, Working ,Chain Fagging and still Sex-4-Sales

I'm comfortable where I'm now. The dosage of each seems just right just enough.

O, something I've not mentioned. I've been working as a Door Bitch for a friend's club for quite abit now. Its pretty major and pretty fun. I get paid 25₤ per hour. Thiago got his Dad to wire money over to last his the next one month. He is starting work as a Bartender and Manager at the club.

So, yes, we'll be working together.

I stayed up all night chatting with him , yesterday. We chatted about everything (Mainly, Why we are stuck with in the predicament we are) . It amazing we are such good buddies.

He has become 'Family' for me.

I don't feel like returning home this summer. My sister texted me on facebook and was really mean. I tried calling my Mom all week the only thing she said was, ' I'm busy, call you back later.' When, she finally did she told me that 'You're nothing. Where do you think you're going in life ?'

"Seriously don't know what you are up to again. Who
do you really want. I really hope you haven't turn into an even more slutty and
promiscuous whore than you already. Don't try to cover up an don't try to lie
already. I can see with my own two eyes. Don't try to deceive me. I wasn't the
kid you irrationally whacked constantly in the past. "

Yeah, yeah, Lil Kathy. As if I'm not a slut. You know I am. Who cares ?

I'm off to bed now. Andy's waiting in bed for me now. ( We've been fucking a shit lots - he's better in bed than Joel - as matter of fact the best I've ever had. I think. Other than vibrators. (^_^) )