2years.

Its been two years since I last saw her.

I spent most of my insomniac mid-night reading through those love-letters. Like, I did when I first arrived here & when I first move in with Thiago & the rest.

All those 'I love you' that I really meant. Unlike, those given out to Joel for 'time-spent' sake.

Those, 'I love you' please don't give up.

'I Love You', please hang on.

Buddy called me up 2 nights ago. She told me she think she spotted her.

So much has changed now.

How did I ever managed to lead that life.

She did change my twisted point of view. But, its all in the past now.

If, I was asked who I thought 'Loved' me. I would say, Her & Andy.

I'm off the hook from escorting, mistressing & etc. Close to a year now.

I wouldn't mind doing it again. But, leading this almost 'almost' obscure life makes everything seems somewhat minimal.

2years, I wonder what would it have been like if I never left her. Or, even never met her.

She once told me, ' '

Tidalled relationships... Each one increasingly 'chore-ed' (tedious) than the other.

Like, a experiment just waiting to be failed.

How did we (me & her) ended up this way ?

The foolishness of 'youth'.

So, yes, here I am... pondering why I left.

And, I found an email sent by me to her.

'its so scary how you knowingly twist me.

i love you, you are my life.

when you twist me, you twist my life. 

you know, the truth about that night.
it wasn't really about something bad happening to me.

its scary how recklessly you choose to walk out on me
it saddens me

cause i feel like when all else falls apart
you won't be there

and, i'll be left at square one again.

the equation to our happiness is easily solved.
but, i guess you are too reluctant to do the math.

i need you.
and, i need you to want me.

but, maybe its just been a one sided thing all this whole time.

i am just not as badly wanted by you as i thought.

i don't want the keys. you don't have to come over.

locks can be changed.

its the keys to the heart that you can try returning.'

That was towards the last 3/4, maybe, 3/5, of our endless love affair.

In retrospect, We both did loved each other, but we just didn't know how to do it right. 

Its like fights after fights just made all effort to turn right, straight back to wrong.

Straight back to tearing unhealed wounds. 

Maybe I was too demanding. Maybe she was too possessive. 

It'll all just be a mystery of the past now. 

***(My phone wasn't turnt on for some reason. She threw a huge hissy fit at me, walked out on me when I got home. Broked up. Emailed me there-after saying the truth was that she was worried something bad happened - or I might have been kidnapped. *However, I felt the true version was that she was trying to be overly domineering.We'll never really know. Now would we? )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XF_sfReuOQI&feature=related