Dead end.

'Kate, I don't know if I can marry you and start a family with all this history in my mind.'

With, this 'I' concluded our relationship.

I remembered the first conversation (confirmation talk?) we had before we started out - despite all the betrayals.

" Joel, If you don't want to get married at the end of this relationship. I rather we stop talking.We'll be wasting each other's time (mainly mine?) . I don't want to have you say 'sorry, kate... I realise I don't want this anymore . ' Time is precious, especially to me. I don't want to waste 2years of my life ,only to have you say that to me."

I guess with all that any retard can deduce that by him saying he can't marry me anymore equates to the relationship not going on anymore.

He goes on...

'I haven't had a good night's sleep in the last few days... and I never ever had problems sleeping,like ever.'

'I've been thinking about you and us alot, and it just doesn't feel right.'

'Even,you noticed it in my voice yesterday... I don't have the enthusiasm anymore.'

As the conversation went (or rather as he rant on) on...My heart started sinking ...my finger started turning cold.

My body started trembling.

'and,when I think about not coming,I feel relieved... '

' there are just so many extremes to our relationship ,things that I really love and things that I really hate, and some of our history will always, always be there, as long as we are together.'

There was so much more he said...

It trips me out just typing the conversation we had.

That was 6am in the morning.

Ironically, I felt a sense of clarity despite a sense of spiteful bitterness (maybe not, bitterness but sadness).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3V4jSB0xY20&feature=PlayList&p=0296A34F5F8BD93F&index=0

London plenty.

I spent last night chlling out with Erica. Having a the usual girl talk when we met up. I'm glad we did.

I've been smoking alittle way too much. 2 decks today. 45 sticks of cigarettes. Annoying, ay ?

The weather's getting fairer. My mood on the other isn't getting any brighter.

I finally made time to meet Erica up for a one-on-one coffee, earlier today.

She's currently fast asleep in Andy's room now. He'll be sleeping with me (as usual) when he gets home.

On my way to Erica's, I met a Hungarian - Swendish dealer. In the tube.

Í was on the phone calling up some dealers, try to get some ' Disco-biscuits' ( MDMA) for my ex-professor.

' Louie, I need 3 Lollies for this weekend. Do you think you can do it for me ?''

I notice this weird-looking guy smiling at me as soon as I said that.

When I got off the train at King's cross to get to ''Da vinci'' .

The guy came from behind and said, ''You've got a really beautiful mixed accent. I really like it.""

I thought to myself, 'What a crreeeep !!!'

He went on, ' So how many Lollies do you need ?'

I stared at him with a puzzled look.

' Lollies, you wanted some didn't you ?''

Slowing down my pace, Í said, ' 3, do you have any now ? & what are they ?'

' Yeah, I've got a couple. I can sell you 2. It's ÝELLOW EXCLAIMATIONs. They are from Manchester, good shit.'

Ókay, How much ?

I muttered, as we walked towards the exit.

His stuff was pretty cheap, so I decided to get it off him.

We went to a nearby alley and swapped.

He was pretty annoying. However, our Household is low on grass so when he offered to shout us free grass if I let him use the bongs we had at our place.

Í'm going to pick up some weed now. I can come over to your place and smoke up later at 9pm tonight. Ask your friend to go out... I'll shout her free pills."

He was trying to get me to go out with him. Mainly, sleep with him . I wasn't interested.

I still have Andy and Joel to worry about.

Plus, I wanted to spend some quality time with Erica. It seems like forever since we last spoke.

Something he said did creep me out too.

'Have you had sex whilst on MDMA ?'

'NO...duh...' (I hardly even take pills)

'You should try it is great.'

We sat by the train station while I had a ciggie and chatted for abit.

He boasted about how he could get MDMA, Speed and Acid in big quantities and at really low prices .

Douchebag.

Whore.

I can't sleep. Its 4:06am in central london now. Its pretty chilly at the moment, though weather here has improved tremendously.

Joel wasn't extactly the warmest when he greeted me on the phone tonight. I can't blame him though.

I've been buddled up in the duvet with Andy the past couple of weeks. God! I love his body.

He booked his tickets back home to Ireland while I was out shopping at oxford street today. We'll be heading down to Hertforshire this week.

http://www.hertfordshire.com/

I'll miss him.

Life is so mixed now.

Relationships, Infidelity, Pill-popping, Studying, Working ,Chain Fagging and still Sex-4-Sales

I'm comfortable where I'm now. The dosage of each seems just right just enough.

O, something I've not mentioned. I've been working as a Door Bitch for a friend's club for quite abit now. Its pretty major and pretty fun. I get paid 25₤ per hour. Thiago got his Dad to wire money over to last his the next one month. He is starting work as a Bartender and Manager at the club.

So, yes, we'll be working together.

I stayed up all night chatting with him , yesterday. We chatted about everything (Mainly, Why we are stuck with in the predicament we are) . It amazing we are such good buddies.

He has become 'Family' for me.

I don't feel like returning home this summer. My sister texted me on facebook and was really mean. I tried calling my Mom all week the only thing she said was, ' I'm busy, call you back later.' When, she finally did she told me that 'You're nothing. Where do you think you're going in life ?'

"Seriously don't know what you are up to again. Who
do you really want. I really hope you haven't turn into an even more slutty and
promiscuous whore than you already. Don't try to cover up an don't try to lie
already. I can see with my own two eyes. Don't try to deceive me. I wasn't the
kid you irrationally whacked constantly in the past. "

Yeah, yeah, Lil Kathy. As if I'm not a slut. You know I am. Who cares ?

I'm off to bed now. Andy's waiting in bed for me now. ( We've been fucking a shit lots - he's better in bed than Joel - as matter of fact the best I've ever had. I think. Other than vibrators. (^_^) )